Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
