Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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