Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
