I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
