btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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