fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
