Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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