Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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