Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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