I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize