I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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