we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
