This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
