LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
