I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
