You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
