im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
