I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I want a musical about memes.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
