Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
