oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
