Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
