I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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