I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
