my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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