I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
