Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
