yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
