so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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