Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
