thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
