Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
