She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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