my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
