I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
