Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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