U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
