im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
