also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
