the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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