dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
