You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
