saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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