Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
false alarm, still single
Randomize