Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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