our cab driver is having phone sex.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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