took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
