So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Vodka?
Forever.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Is Oprah even human
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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