Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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