I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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