What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
