Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Boobs are out for the taking
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
