my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
