i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Shame - the story of my life.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
