every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
where am i from again
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize