a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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