Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
