Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
