dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
