i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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