I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize