I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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