I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i will never coherently bang her
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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