The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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