3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
