I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
