The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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