thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
