It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
