I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
