is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
